whew. it's barely past noon and i already feel like i've been through the wringer. it's been a busy and challenging week around the 'ol harryhill family compound. job changes, heavy soccer schedule, parties, sleepovers and lots of rain. i totally went mommie dearest on my girls one day last week and yelled them out the door, then moments later started bawling my eyes out. they hugged me and covered me with their sweet kisses and we moved on. not my finest parenting moment. i hate when it happens but sometimes they make me cry. we're a bunch of girls. we're emotional. jack is so great about dealing with all the females in our house, i swear we must drive him mad. but he handles it with patience and love. not bad for someone with 6 brothers and no sisters! one of the great things about me and jack is that we know when the other needs a break. we're awesome like that! every summer he takes the girls and they trek up to the southern washington coast to a friend's beachhouse for a couple days. they ride bikes, star gaze and do beachy things. the invitation couldn't have come at a more perfect time this summer. so i waved them off in my very best june cleaver way and looked forward to some productive time alone. a little 'me' time to gather my sanity and put away the wire coat hangers. like i say, "mama needs mama time".
monday is my favorite day of the week. after busy weekends, mondays are like vacation. mondays are family day. and most of the year the house is quiet because the girls are at school. i thought about alex, my darling alex. he's one of my favorite gay boyfriends. in the top 5 for sure! alex is a nomad, a tall gangly glass of water with a heart as big as his bar tab. he is the mo i can get drunk and cry with. canadian by way of minnesota, he has a great accent and he tells the best tales and he makes me laugh till i cry and cry till i laugh. i love him! he's artistic, he chain smokes, he listens to music on a record player, he's been a lumberjack in alaska and he's my girl's favorite babysitter. he shows up with his craft box and old kid movies on vhs and the girls are over the moon!!!! well...that bastard guncle alex just informed us all that he's leaving and moving far far away. and the only appropriate way to say goodbye is to have a bloody mary monday and get drunk together. i thought about calling him this morning, he'd be so excited to share his bmm with me. and then i thought about the hangover that would surely be waiting for me later. no thanks. i checked my yoga studio's website for the monday schedule of classes. this is a wiser choice. yoga all day...bliss!! alex~time and hangovers will have to wait for another monday.
i had a great night of sleep and woke up bright and early as usual. i got my kitchen cleaned, made some phone calls, started laundry...i was getting things done! i saw on the yoga schedule that lauren is teaching 2 classes today! yippy!!!! i'll do both! and why not throw in another in between? i've never taken hatha fusion so i'll give it a try! lauren is my mentor, my best yoga teacher, my friend. she inspires me and i constantly learn from her. she challenges me. she kicks my ass. she is lovely is every way. imagine my surprise when my phone rang and it was lauren. she said that her babysitter no-showed and she has a noon class to teach. the one i'm going to.
i said to her "do you want me to watch preston?". i was slightly bummed that i'd miss her class, but i'd still be able to take her other class in the evening. she needed help, and i wanted to help her.
lauren said "no, i want to know if you'll teach my class.
i immediately felt this sense of sheer excitement and terror at the same time.
"yeah, you" she said.
like a chump, i said that i couldn't do it. i don't know if i made the right decision, but i declined. like a giant, fucking chicken. i wanted to feel relieved, but i got off the phone feeling like a big loser. but folks, we're talking about LAUREN'S NOON POWER VINYASA class. at YOGA PEARL. the thought of filling in for lauren's class, which is always packed, at one of the most premier yoga studios in portland...the thought makes me want to vomit, honestly. lauren has huge shoes to fill. these fellow yogis that i practice with daily...what if they think i suck? what if it's not challenging enough for them? my experience has been mostly limited to teaching old people and newbies at the local fitness club, or privately in homes. but this would be a room full of serious practioners who come to lauren because they like a good ass kickin'. i couldn't bear the thought of disappointing my sweaty fellow yogi.
i got off the phone at sat there staring at it. i called jack. he didn't answer.
and then i called kevin. he didn't answer.
then i called my mom. she answered and when i told her what had just happened, she couldn't hide her disappointment.
"call her back, tell her you'll do it! obviously lauren thinks you can do it or she wouldn't have asked! this is your door opening!!" i knew she'd say this. but then again, she thinks i can do anything! is she really a reliable source?
by the time i got off the phone with mom, lauren had texted me that she got a sitter! yay! i was getting 2 lauren yogas today and i'd spend the rest of the day peacefully, meditating on my scaredy cat decision and trying to find some faith in myself. i gathered up my keys and my coconut water and made my way over the bridge. early. this is rare for me. i'm never early ANYWHERE. i thank my mother for this gem of a trait. i'm always one of the last in the door for yoga, if not THE last. but i had 20 minutes and i'd have time to hug lauren and thank her for the opportunity and make excuses for my lame insecurity.
ok!!! why aren't the cars moving! uugggghhhhhh!!! the traffic created by the old meier and frank building remodel was especially awful today! i seriously sat through 5 or 6 lights just to get off the freeway exit. i watched my clock go from 11:44 to 12:01 and i'd only moved 3 blocks. i was trapped like a rat and feeling more and more like a loser with every minute that ticked by. great!!! now, not only do i NOT sub the class, but i don't even attend!?? GGAAWWWWDDD! my lack of follow through is ridiculous at this point.
by the time i pulled up to a parking spot, it was 12:05. i may sometimes scamper into class at 12:01 while the 'hi how are ya' chit chat is going on, but i can't bring myself to come in 5 minutes late. it's just rude and i won't do it. so i begrudgingly drive past the doris day parking spot available right there in front of the studio and decide to head to my favorite tea house instead. that will make me feel better. i try shaking it off. i forgot my change purse anyhow, so i'd probably just have gotten a ticket. right? i will still go to 2 yoga classes today and that's a pretty good day. right? shake it off, dina.
i was feeling better by the time i pulled up to townshend's tea house. i love this place, they make the best kombucha, they play rad music and it's a great place to people watch. today, as i sized up that cozy corner on the green velvet sofa in the window, i decided to get a pot of roasted coconut ma'te. perfect accompaniment for insecurity and self~doubt. so i kicked off my flip flops, poured a cup of tea and snuggled in with my laptop. and as i looked around to check out this month's local artist, what do i see on the wall?
like a neon sign, reminding me to not be scared. reminding me that life is about taking chances. it's been a hot topic of conversation at home this past week. and there it is...staring me right in the face at my fave tea joint where i came to wallow in self pity. the way i see it, this is the universe telling me that i'm a better yogi than i think. it's telling me that i should trust myself and my abilities. sometimes i have the biggest ballz around and it has gotten me the reputation of being outspoken, a strong woman, independent, a bitch, one who stands up for others. i like that about myself. so where the hell were my big ballz this morning???? i think i just found them, hanging on the wall at a hipster tea joint in northeast portland. and even if i get a flat tire on the way to yoga this afternoon, or get a parking ticket because i forget my meter money again, i am grateful today to get bitch slapped in the face with this glaring message from the universe!
leap and the net shall appear! maybe i'll celebrate this moment of clarity after my yogas with a spicy bloody mary...extra pickled asparagus please and thank you.