as times become increasingly more difficult for people, now is the time, more than ever, for us to remember what we do have...and to be grateful for it. this is the very lesson i strive to instill in my girls every single day. be grateful for what we do have instead of dwelling on the things we don't have.
my beautiful 65 year old mother was just diagnosed with cancer. lots of it. she has started radiation for lesions on her brain, and the chemo to attack the breast cancer cells found in her liver and a lung will begin when the radiation ends. this is how breast cancer returns, with a vengeance. she had been in remission for more than five years. i'm normally a pretty positive person, but my mom being dealt this totally unfair blow had caused me great struggle to remain hopeful or optimistic, and i am trying like crazy to keep my chin up. some days are easier than others, most days suck and i am amazed that i have this many tears. i've ALWAYS been a crier...it just makes me feel better, but i have reached a new level of grief and i am not a fan! i am terrified at living a life without my mother. who will be my biggest fan and most ardent supporter? who will give me advice? who will help me raise my girls? i know that my wonderful hubs is all this and more, but a girl needs a mom to help with some things a husband can't. it's almost too much to bear. i have been struggling with going to yoga, my passion! i don't understand why! this beautiful gift i've been given that has helped me to be able to deal with all things stressful. why am i having such a hard time going to class? some mornings i get as far as getting my yoga clothes on, getting into the car and starting to drive. then i turn around and come home, cry a lot, then beat myself up for not getting myself to yoga. it sucks and i don't know how to change it.
but i got myself to yoga yesterday and i did feel better. i set an intention at the start of class to think of the things for which i'm grateful and to not let anything negative or sad into my head for that 1 1/2 hours. i laughed inside, i cried out loud and i felt a rush of peace during savasana. it was beautiful!
i am so grateful for my family. my husband is unreal! he loves me so much and so deeply that i sometimes think he must be completely crazy! his love is a wealth that buys me nothing but gives me everything!!! he is unbelievably supportive of everything i do. he is also the best daddy in the world and i sometimes get jealous of my girls that they have such a great daddy. is that weird? and those girls of mine! they are so strong and so nurturing and they make me so proud every single day. and they didn't seem to mind last week when i gave them oatmeal for dinner 3 nights in a row because i couldn't pull it together and stop bawling.
i am the luckiest girl in the world, really. all of this, our home filled with love, an ongoing list of amazing friends, a job that i love, our health and our happiness. and speaking of friends, to have a best friend like the one i have, well, i can't imagine that there are many others so lucky. kevin is my lovechump, my beacon of knowledge and positivity, my gay husband. he is an important part of our family and sometimes i get jealous of my girls that they have such a great guncle! kevin and i have been friends for more than 14 years, we've held each other when relationships have failed, when accidents have happened and deaths have occurred. we've opened all the windows of our hearts to each other, broken down to each other, and i look at him after all these years and i'm so grateful for all the joy and love he's brought to my life. even after dumping out all my emotional pockets, standing before him without protection and being completely vulnerable...i still feel nothing but love, support and honesty from him. i can only hope that he feels the same love from me. it helps that he is extra adorable!
i am grateful for all these things and more. i am grateful that my beautiful mom is alive right now. i don't know how much time she has, and i will continue to wish her cancers be gone, but right now, i will be grateful for all the moments that she is here with me, every precious, precious one of them!